I was in hospital for six weeks, you soon find out who cares for you when you think you are crazy.
l thought just maybe my brother (the one that lives in Melbourne), my mother or a couple of close friends I’ve known for years might come see me, but they didn’t and I’m okay with that now. When you disappear for six weeks and certain people don’t realise, you need to see that you are focusing on the wrong group of friends.
Being in a psych ward for two weeks definitely showed me l wasn’t crazy. It sure opens your eyes to how not crazy you are. But being in there can also cause you to go crazy. l needed to move before it affected me too much.
I was moved to a home stay called Aparc and this is where l started to come off that dark path l was on. It’s where l got help from professionals that knew their shit. I had a lot of built up pain and anger that l needed to let go of and they helped. A lot of hurt from my past and grief l wasn’t dealing with.
It was the feeling of being worthless, feeling unloved, that caused my breakdown, needing love and looking for it in the wrong place, not dealing with my grief from losing the one male in my life that was always there for me.
Being in a relationship with someone that put me last broke me in the end, not seeing a future destroyed me.
But then l found that torch turned it on and made my way off that path with help from the ones who matter in my life and now l only focus on them. Because l know l matter to them.
I realised l am strong by getting through this shit, l realised I’m stronger then l thought. And that l love life, one awful moment and l could of lost what l love.
Your thoughts can be your enemy or your savior, but one thing you need to know they are just thoughts, they do not define who you are or what you feel. They are not the truth, they are just thoughts. My thoughts turned ugly and l believed them. That will never happen again.
I am strong and l know I’m amazing, I’m loved by people that matter to me.
You must be strong to stand with me
For l am strong.
And if you stand with me now.
Then you can stand with me again.
I’m a positive outgoing person that loves life, loves to make others smile and l have so much love to give, but give to the right people. Give to the ones that want me in there lives.
I started enjoying the little things again, a hot chai latte or a bird darting from tree to tree.
A smile from a stranger and the sound of rain while lying in bed, the morning mist on an early morning walk or cooking something yummy just for me.
I took up meditation and read all about mindfulness. It helped me a lot.
I live in the moment and if my thoughts wander away then l imagine they are clouds floating by in the sky and l tell myself that they are just thoughts, nothing more. They are not me and they are not real. Then they can disappear over the horizon and be gone.
I started reading books again, losing myself in a good book, and watching my favourite sport on tv, enjoying the excitement of my team winning a game. And the sadness of a loss.
I started writing again and realized my words matter. Putting pen to paper and smiling with my positive attitude helped me get back what l lost.
I lost my true smile but found it again in the little things l love. With help from some wonderful friends that l dont know where l would be without them, my amazing children especially my daughter and my big brother that lives in Brisbane (that l wish lived closer, his support means so much to me). I got back my happiness and got rid of the sadness.
I still get sad sometimes but l turn the torch on now so my friends can find me to help brighten my day.
We all need friends and people that love us.
I now know l do matter. And life is beautiful, l am the only one that can make my journey a happy positive one. And this is where it starts.